Apricot Flavored

Made with all natural ingredients, no preservatives added.
Contained in jar 5 1/2 inches tall, 3 inches diameter

Near mint condition with 17 years of use. Some banging and brusing evident on the underside. (Please understand this item is one-of-a-kind and any inconsistencies with previous products is to be expected.)

Makes a great present for that certain special teacher around the Holidays! They love collecting them.

This purchase may qualify for free shipping

Advil $24.99 BUY

2400 Advil Capsules Ibuprofen 200mg

Cleverly disguised in tic-tac packaging, these handy pills are perfect for the unexpected school-induced, headaches, greenrashes on elbows, spontaneous combustion, depression, bleeding out of every orifice, or excessive yawning.

Expiration date 1/20/11

Share them with your friends. They make great party favors!

Jan Stoltenberg’s iPad $499.95 BUY

Have you ever wanted to run your own country? Norwegian Prime Minister Jan Stoltenberg was, until a few hours ago, running his country with this iPad. Now you can too, with just 5 easy payments of $99.99! (*trade tax applicable in AL, MA, NM, and ME.)

Software compatable with that of select other countries’ central government’s (including those of Germany, Sweden, and Finland). Imagine all the countries you can invade from the warmth and comfort of your own living room. The possibilities are endless.

Comes with built-in satellite tracking device in case your new possession is lost or stolen. Don’t be like the guy we took this from!

She and her husband, Dan, nicknamed the two-inch effigy “Cheesus” after realizing their puffed snack resembled the religious figure. “I had eaten most of the ones in my hand and one was left lying there, and I said ‘Oh my gosh! Look at this! It really looks like a person in a robe praying.’” Dan looked over and said “‘Wow! It does look like a praying Jesus.’”

Despite missing an arm, the Bells see a body, hair, robe, and even a tiny face–piously bent in prayer, of course.

The Bells say Cheesus is a reminder of their blessings from God, but primarily they think it is a funny Cheeto. Obviously a religious experience of the most profound kind, the couple say Cheesus will either be sold to the highest bidder on the auction site eBay or it will be eaten.

9:44 a.m. an officer reported a vehicle that had been illegal parked on Granite Road for a of months. Police spoke to the owner and said he had until March 19 to remove the vehicle.

10:40 p.m. an employee on Great Road reported a man in the store talking to himself for ten minutes. Police determined there was no problem with the individual.

11:06 a.m. police investigated suspicious activity on Massachusetts Avenue and found a person reading the paper and having a coffee.

11:08 a.m. a caller reported he dropped an envelope at a Massachusetts Avenue parking lot containing $1,000 in cash. The envelope said Middlesex Savings Bank and contained $100 bills.

1:16 p.m. a person turned in the Middlesex Savings Bank envelope containing $1,000. The name of the person who turned in the money was released to the owner with permission from police.

12:29 a.m. a Great Road caller reported two people in pajamas standing in the road. The caller reported that the girl said she was depressed and wanted to jump in the road. Police found the couple and determined a miscommunication between the caller and the couple and took a report.

5:32 p.m. people were reported boating on a Martin Street field. Police spoke to the boaters.

11:56 p.m. police spoke to a bartender on Great Road regarding a number of people who couldn’t pay their tab. Police spoke with one of the people who said he would return to pay the tab.
]]> http://abspectrum.com/2010/05/12/police-logs/feed/ 0 http://abspectrum.com/2010/03/14/top-10-ways-to-tell-your-teachers-you-are-dropping-their-subjects-next-year/ http://abspectrum.com/2010/03/14/top-10-ways-to-tell-your-teachers-you-are-dropping-their-subjects-next-year/#comments Mon, 15 Mar 2010 01:21:09 +0000 Jackie http://abspectrum.com/?p=732

Now I stay up late because I’m doing homework all the time. My melatonin levels are messed up, and my circadian rhythm is nonexistent. My Vitamin D levels must be negative because I never go outside anymore, and that means I’m not happy.

The amount of work I have is directly proportional to how much I procrastinate. And then I’m tired all the time from writing until the wee hours of the morning. And since I stay up later, I also eat more often to stay awake. I don’t have time to exercise because, surprise surprise, I work all the time, thus making me fat.
Oh, and analysis of tragic heroes makes me cognizant of my own faults, and now I also have poor self esteem.

And my teacher stole my dignity. Sometimes my teacher says ‘Good job!” and I’m ecstatic for the rest of the day. Other times I get a ‘ding! Thanks for playing. Moving on.’ It’s like dangling the carrot in front of a starved, hysterical rabbit, letting it nibble happily for a while, and then snatching it away. And then laughing at its stupidity.

What have I done to myself?

Actually, I don’t want to attend your college.

In fact, I hate your school. The only reason I decided to apply and BS this essay is because 1) my mum/dad/counselor made me, 2) you sent me a fee waiver, 3) you gave me a scholarship before I even applied, and 4) I needed a safety school, and I know I’ll get in because I’m a minority.

The students aren’t interesting, the classes are boring, the campus is ugly, and I would probably go crazy if I were trapped there for the next four years of my life. The only positve aspects of your school are that you have a zamboni, I heard the professors are hot, and I’ll learn to interact with stupid people. Then again, I could just party for the next four years….

If I ever decide to suffer through the pain and torture of going to a school as bad as yours, it will be only so that I can transfer to a college I actually like the following year. : )

By the way, your food tastes like cardboard left out in the rain, taken in, mushed together by bare feet, sprinkled with salt and sugar, and then molded into cake form–that’s disgusting, by the way.

Also, you smell like goat poo. Nothing you can do about it.

So, in conclusion, I really don’t want to attend College XYZ, and I would be insulted if you considered me a perfect fit.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Mailin Li

P.S. This essay is a generic one I’ve rewritten multiple times for multiple colleges, and all I did to change it was copy/paste your name in the introduction.

At 3:36 p.m. a Powdermill Road caller reported a man trying to chase wild turkeys into the back of a vehicle. Police spoke to the man.

At 10:01 p.m. an Arlington Street caller reported teenage boys driving throwing oranges out of a car at passing vehicles. The boys were gone when police arrived.

At 11:56 a.m. police responded to a MacGregor Way home to check on a house alarm, which was being activated due to wind blowing the door open.

At 6:59 p.m. a Harris Street resident reported her daughter harassing her.

At 3:26 a.m. a Drummer Road resident reported a loud party. Police spoke to the neighbor, who had fallen asleep with the radio on.

At 6:03 p.m. police responded to a Lexington Drive report of someone playing Rock Band outside on the lawn. Police advised the person to take the video game inside.

abacinate (v): to blind by putting a hot copper basin near someone’s eye

batrachophagous (n): one who eats frogs

brevirostrate (adj): having a short nose

embiggerate (v): to make bigger

floccinaucinihilipilification (n): the categorizing of something that is useless or trivial

jentacular (adj): pertaining to breakfast

mytacism (n): the incorrect or excessive use of the letter M

strikhedonia (n): the pleasure of being able to say “to hell with it”

zenzizenzizenzic (n): a number raised to the eighth power

2. Fill in all the ways in which we can contact you and spam you with college mail, SAT/SATII/ACT preparatory classes, and financial aid advice programs that say nothing about the programs itself but promise great outcomes. In a cyclic cycle, we get money from these organizations to…send you more spam!
*This includes your primary address, your secondary address, your tertiary address, your summer vacation home address and addresses on Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, and AIM.

3. Please tell us what you, as a well-rounded, socially intelligent, and responsible 17-year-old, plan to do with the rest of your life. If you do not know what you plan to do with the rest of your life, you have failed.

4a. Do you want free money?
4b. Do you think we will actually give you free money?
4c. Do you plan to study full time, party full time, work minimum wage jobs full time, and intern at a respectable, nonpaying job full time?
4d. Do you intend to live with similar-minded 18-year-olds in a giant room with minimal adult supervision?

5. This section will only benefit you if you are Mexican, American Indian, or African American. If you are none of the listed, we will negative action you even if we say we won’t.
* If you are a white male, coming from a wealthy upper class town with a respectable school system, you will never get into college.

6. Please list all your family members (living, dead, in purgatory etc.) and their relation to you. Please also list where they attended college, where they want to attend college, what degrees they have earned, potential degrees they want to earn, and how we may also spam them with advice on how to enroll you into potential colleges.

7. Please list all the schools at which you’ve received college credit. If this section is blank, you have failed.

8. Please list all your standardized testing scores so we may judge you based on a number, even though we may say we will not.
*If this section is not above a 40 for the ACT, a 3000 for the SAT, 900 for SATIIs, and a 7 on the AP/IB tests, you have failed.

9. Please list all honors or academic distinctions since the ninth grade so we may judge you on how well you fit in with smart people. If this section is blank or looks like you have poor quality distinctions (i.e. has not won Pulitzer, has not single-handedly revived the economy of Kenya, has not invented vaccine to cure malaria, is not a superhero) you have failed.

10. Write an essay describing your life, your potential as a human being, and your questions and answers to the nature of God and the universe in less than 10 words.

Good luck! We look forward to seeing you at our school!

Don’t worry about college or applications or deadlines or test scores. It’s not like your future depends on it.